Why Are You Late?

A phone rings in the distance.

Bzzzt…Bzzzt…Bzzzt…

Correction, a phone buzzes in the distance, on my distant night stand. As it vibrates, it drifts closer to the stand’s edge. I open my eyes slightly and peer through the blear at my phone. I contemplate smashing it for a moment, but when the moment passes I begrudgingly answer it.

“hu…hello…?”

“Ken…?”

Again I contemplate smashing my phone.

“Ken! It’s Todd.”

Damn it. I should have gone with smashing.

“Ken, I need you on my Zoom call!” Todd demands, already agitated. “Right away!”

“…be right there…” I respond hoarsely.

I trudge to the kitchen, start a pot of coffee and lean against the sink trying to grind the blear out of my eyes. The coffee drips agonizingly slowly, directly into my large cup. Because of the urgency in Todd’s voice, I figured I should skip the extra step of a coffee pot.
I tie my robe loosely closed and head downstairs to my office while I slurp my first sip of coffee. I have nearly all the blear rubbed from my eyes when Todd’s face pops up on my screen, causing me to lurch back in my chair and spill coffee down the front of my robe. I begin to wipe ineffectively at it noticing a full audience on Todd’s Zoom call.

“Nice of you to join us right at the crack of noon,” Todd quips sarcastically. I check my watch. It’s still thirty minutes til noon. That is a damn sight more than a crack, I think to myself.

“Ken, thanks for joining,” Chet jumps in. Chet is a member of our sales team and therefore not to be trusted. Even his voice sounds as greasy and slicked back as his perfectly shaped hair.

“Let me tell you about this new deal we just closed, Ken.”

Fuck.

“We’ve been working on this deal for the past eighteen months and it is hyooj!” he continues, his excitement spattering like grease on the Zoom screen. “Your success with this project is absolutely vital to the success of our company.”

A sense of impending doom begins to settle in, making itself uncomfortable.

“Now this project normally would take twelve months to implement but it is so big and so crucial, we need you to have it done by noon next Friday.” His teeth gleam on the screen in a self congratulatory smile.

“Wait…”

He checks his Rolex. “Well I have to cash my commission check and head on over to my next deal. You are needed on the executive escalation call to explain why you’re behind schedule.”

“What?”

Just then my phone lights up with incoming calls. Eenie, meenie, miney, Mark. Mark is the executive in charge of our division. That’s probably the call I should answer.
“Ken, get on my Zoom call NOW!”
Fuck.

“Ken, thanks for joining,” Mark begins, a bit less threat in his tone. I have a meeting with the client CIO later today and I need a presentation from you on how you will have this project done by Wednesday.”
“But…”
“And I need you to contact Meagan, our chief architect, to review the technical solution.”
“But…”
Mark’s Zoom call blinks out.
Bzzzt…Bzzzt…Bzzzt…
“Hello.” I answer, attempting to disguise the growing contempt in my voice.
“Ken? Ken! This is Meagan. I need you on my Zoom call.”
Without waiting for an answer, Meagan hangs up.
I set my phone down on my desk and lumber back up the stairs to refill my coffee. I pause with a longing look at the half full bottle of Jameson whiskey on the counter, but go with cream instead.
My phone is buzzing and dancing on the floor when I get back to my office. I turn it off and set it back on my desk as I dial into Megan’s call. Her face fills the Zoom screen as the call opens. Her anxiety fills my office.
I should have gone with the Jameson.
“Ken? Ken! Thanks for joining! This technical solution that Chet handed off to me is complete crap! It is only half complete!” her anxious expression deepens as she finishes her statement.
“And the half he gave us is wrong!” someone chimes in from the background.
Meagan continues, “I need you to talk to Mark and tell him we need six months to create a whole new technical solution for this project!”
“Ken,” Todd’s face appears on the screen, “I need a report from you explaining why you are six months behind schedule and have no technical solution. And please join Mark’s Zoom call to prepare for the client CIO meeting. He will want to review your schedule.”
I should have left the coffee out of my coffee, and just gone with the Jameson.

Taking a deep breath, I jump onto Mark’s call. Mark’s stern face fills the screen.
“Ken, I am hearing that you are late on this new project!” He pauses to let the impact of my failure sink in. His reprimandary expression of disapproval fills the Zoom screen.
“Well, Mark,” I begin, then discuss the six months Meagan will need to create a new technical solution and the six additional months I will need to implement that solution. At the end of my project review, Mark seems satisfied with my presentation.
“Just tell me what you need, Ken. This project is crucial to the strategic direction of our company, and my whole staff is behind you! I will need you in person for the meeting with the client CIO later today.” Mark pauses, eyeing my coffee stained robe, “And put on a tie.”

My detour to JC Penney complete, I continue in to the office. As I saunter into our corporate conference room, an obscure company exec plucks the price tag from my new tie, studies it, then looks at me disapprovingly. I seat myself at the end of a long table lined with suited and tied execs on either side. Mark and the client CIO are seated opposite each other at the far end of the conference table. Mark opens the meeting addressing the CIO and the murmurs that had been filling the room subside.
“Let me tell you how excited we are for this opportunity to do business with you. We’ve worked around the clock to develop a fantastic technical solution that is guaranteed to meet all of your needs!” Mark lies.
“And then some,” the obscure company exec interjects more lies.
“We will have this project completed by Monday!” Mark finishes victoriously, a smile spreads across his face.
The CIO shuffles a stack of papers on the table in front of him. His forehead creases with concentration as he studies each one carefully. After reviewing them at length, he looks up at Mark.
“It appears here that your technical solution is only half complete.” He looks back down at his papers, his face furrowing even deeper, “and what you do have appears to be incorrect.”
The CIO sets the papers down on the table and leans back in his chair to continue, “In my opinion, you need six months to complete your technical solution and another six months to implement it.”
Mark’s smile evaporates. He looks down the long table at me. Like falling dominoes the company execs all turn to face me as well.
“Ken!” Mark exclaims. “Why didn’t you tell me this solution was not ready! What do you have to say for yourself!”

Bzzzt…Bzzzt…Bzzzt…
“hu…hello?”
“Todd! Todd, don’t hang up.” I say, a bit out of breath. “I need you to find us a new project executive sponsor!”
“Wait…”
“Mark says he can’t work with someone whose hands can clench all the way around his neck.” I continue, not waiting.
“What?”
“Also, I need you to add $20,000 to our budget.”
“$20,000?” I can picture Todd sitting up in bed with concern as he asks about the budget change.
“And can you call All City Bail Bonds for me?”

Author: Ken Gack

Ken Gack, a long time corporate IT program manager, has grown increasingly skeptical of voodoo black magic like technical solutions, and project schedules. He believes they should all be held with mistrust and contempt.

It should be noted that the tie story is completely fabricated. Ken has not worn a tie since doing a 44 hour straight stint in 2003 while attempting to rescue a failing project.