Beardly Fiction’s Journal for the End of the World
Follow us as we document the collapse of society!
* A work in progress *
More astute readers may calculate that there is quite some break between Day 80 and Day 972. No, no, the apocalypse did not pause, it labored on during this timeframe. My crucial work of journaling this period did also progress and I am working on porting those scholarly social media posts to this web site.
Check back in frequently to keep up to date on my…past…journal entries.
– Ken
I haven’t checked in on the gnomes for a while now which is bad, very bad. Those little gnome bastards are always up to something.
But they are industrious little sonsabitches and my wife’s puppy mastiff has been digging the back yard full of holes. Massive holes. Mastiff holes. It’s been said that the local utility company meter reader was last seen zig zagging through my backyard.
Author: Ken Gack, the Ripper
October 28, 2022
It seems I have negotiated a good deal with the gnomes. The back yard is looking great and Gargelson has promised I can ride my motorcycle every other weekend and on all of the winter holidays. He even offered to give me a tour of my back yard.
Wait, what? A tour of my back yard?
Author: Ken Gack, the Ripper
November 21, 2022
The little bastards are industrious…
“The story, and the BS, just keeps getting deeper and deeper!”
Recovering from a post-pie-day food hangover. Crawled out of bed, stumbled to the bathroom, stepped on the scale.
“You’re fat.”
Author: Ken Gack, the Ripper
November 25, 2022
Well, my friends, if you are reading this, it is over. As you can see from the treacherous condition of my stairs, the end is nigh. Hell hath frozen over…
Author: Ken Gack, the Ripper
December 1, 2022
Who needs Six Flags when you can just take a step onto your front stairs…
“Again with the cardio. Why does he hate cardio so, except that it is an evil monstrosity?”
Bad news friends, bad news. Stick Girlfriend has found some old 80s Jane Fonda tapes and has now been inspired to reinstitute Rule Number 1…
Author: Ken Gack, the Ripper
December 2, 2022
Rule #1 SHOULD be ‘Thou shalt have no exercise before me. So sayeth the squat.’
“The world is turned upside down in this episode! Cardio???”
I was in a meeting earlier today when I heard the sound of crinkling paper. A moment later Stick Girlfriend exclaimed “Oopsies!”…
Author: Ken Gack, the Ripper
December 5, 2022
Who put that thing in the road…and moved the road around the corner?
“Did Stick Girlfriend get a ticket? Was she drinking? Can her pretty little sports car be repaired? Tune in for the next journal entry!”
Well I’ve been fighting all day with the gecko. He said Stick Girlfriend’s car is imaginary, it isn’t even real. I said bullshit, I have a picture of it right here (and sketched him up a quick picture). He said well, ah, Stick Girlfriend isn’t re…doesn’t have a driver’s license…
Author: Ken Gack, the Ripper
December 6, 2022
Who needs insurance when you’ve got gnomes?
“Wow, those gnomes do great work! Can I get Gargelson’s card?”
It seems there is video of Stick Girlfriend’s car accident. Apparently there was an officer parked behind my wife’s ficus
Author: Ken Gack, the Ripper
December 10, 2022
Burnin’ tires and lightin’ fires
“Stick Girlfriend can play such a range, from drama to action-adventure!”
As I was hanging the stockings by the fireplace with great care,
Gargleson, the gnome, moseyed in and asked, “What’re ye doing right there?”
“Why I’m carefully placing stockings, can’t you see?”
I replied, “For Santy Claus, when he shimmies down the chimney…”
Author: Ken Gack, the Ripper
December 16, 2022
Ever wonder where the Santa Claus legend comes from…?
“Well THAT was unexpected!”
I shifted my weight uncomfortably in the rickety plastic chair. It felt like it had been engineered to support the rump of a 97lb middle schooler, not that of an aging powerlifter who…is heavier. Across a cheap formica laminated table sat the counselor glaring over her thick rimmed glasses and down her hawkish, peaked nose at me. Her yellow legal pad rested on her lap. She held an expensive-looking pen, poised over the pad as if to pounce at my first sign of weakness. A battle of wits had begun.
Author: Ken Gack, the Ripper
December 31, 2022
You brought jokes to a wits battle?
“The back and forth, the tit for tat, the battle was intense!”