Casual Friday

My eyes barely open in narrow slits, I slowly shuffle into the company break room, cup in hand, to pour myself a steaming cup of coffee. I drain the pot then glance around to get a blurry view whether my coworkers have busted me taking the last cup. Do I need to make the next pot, or can I slip out unnoticed? I lean back against the counter for that first sip while I contemplate my dilemma.

“Do you have to sip right in the middle of the kitchen?” my wife asks. “I’d like to use it too.” 

Busted.

She doesn’t drink coffee though, maybe I can still slip out. 

“Eww!” she exclaims, wrinkling her nose as I slide past her. “Are you going to take a shower this week? Or change that shirt?” she points to yesterday’s coffee stain on my favorite t-shirt. “Or shave? Ever?” she makes finger scissor snipping motions, menacing my beard.

“Casual Friday.” I croak and continue past her out of the break r…kitchen. That was a close one. Wife seems a bit edgy today.

As I head toward the stairs and a short commute to the office, my phone starts ringing.

Bzzzzt. Bzzzzt. Bzzzzt.

(Why do we still call it ringing? Is this the 70s? No. It is not. No phone has actually rung since 2003 has it?) But I digress. It really annoys my boss, Todd, when I digress.

BZZZZZT!!!

Todd happens to be calling at the moment. Hold on, I should see what he wants.

“Yeah?”

“You missed our morning Zoom call again, Ken. Are you planning to work today?”

“I haven’t been vaccinated, Todd. I’m not sure I’m comfortable coming into the office with all that pandemic stuff going around and… stuff.”

“Ken…”

“Yes, Todd?”

“You work from home.”

“Yes?”

“You have worked from home since 2005.”

“…”

“Get on the goddamm Zoom call, Ken!”

“Calm down, Todd. Be right there.”

After I finish this cup.

The line goes dead. God how I miss buzzing dial tone. Buzzing dial tone makes hanging up on someone so much more satisfying. Passive aggression has gotten so passive these days.

Todd has missed another great digression, but now I need more coffee. I head to the break room for another cup but the pot’s empty. Some dick emptied i and didn’t make a fresh one. Guess I’ll have to fix another pot myself.

After my coffee break, I commute downstairs to my cubicle and try to log into Todd’s Zoom call, to very little avail. 

“Todd? Todd? You there? Can you hear me? Todd?”

My computer stares blankly back at me, wondering who Todd is and eventually it gives me some obscure error message about having no wifi signal. Dammit. Better call tech support. 

Boop beep beep boop beep boo…

…

Bzzzt. Bzzzzt. Bzzzzt.

…

“Yeah?”

“Ken!”

“Yes, Ken?” 

“The wifi is out! Will you go reset the router? I’m… you’re… I’m missing Todd’s Zoom call! Again!”

“Calm down, Ken. Be right there.”

After lunch. Ken seems a bit edgy today.

After lunch I promptly head up to the computer closet, which doubles as my son’s bedroom closet, to check the wifi. Since my son is still sleeping (obviously my son doesn’t drink coffee), I leave the computer room lights off. I flick my cell phone flashlight on and immediately drop it into the bedroom computer closet; a closet which has not been cleaned in four years. Calmly I recite a few Hail Mary, Full of Curses quietly and crawl under my son’s computer/gaming desk to retrieve my flashphonelight. As I reach for it my hamstring suddenly cramps, requiring another Hail Mary, this time leaving Mary out of it. I cry, retrieve my phone, and reset the wifi. No sooner do I wipe a tear away than my phone rings again.

Busy day.

Bzzzzt. Bzzzzzt. Bzzzzt.

“Yeah?” 

“Ken. You missed my Zoom call. Again. I need you to get those financial reports submitted by the end of day today.”

“No can do, Todd. That’s gonna hafta be Monday.”

“Monday?”

“Yeah, Monday. It’s five o’clock Todd. Time for me to make myself scarce.”

“It’s two o’clock, Ken.”

“Not in Boca Raton.”

“Ken?”

“Yes Todd?”

“You’re not in Boca Raton.”

“Look, Todd, I’d love to help you out with those reports. Can you set up a Zoom call for the first thing Monday morning?”

Buzzing dial tone interrupts Todd’s impromptu Hail Mary (or it would if this were 1971). Todd seems a bit edgy today.

This story may be based upon at least one actual event. The rest is pretty much made up of exaggeration, fabrication, and the wild imagination of a warped mind or a drunk muse. All fabrications and lies within this story are purely intentional, meant to entertain.

Author: Ken Gack

Ken believes that life is too short to be taken seriously. Serious people are often less happy than crazy people.