Day 3

Dear Diary,

I’ve been doing some research on this apocalypse thing, and I’ve assembled a set of rules for your apocalypse survivaling:

Rule Number 1: Cardio. Umm…uhh…let’s skip past this one. Ok?

Rule Number 2: Buy up every roll of toilet paper you can find. Yes. This is number 2. Don’t ask.

Rule Number 3: The only way to kill zombies is with a headshot.

Rule Number 4: Seatbelts.

Rule Number 5: The apocalypse virus can only travel six feet, and doesn’t infect while you’re eating or rioting.

Rule Number 6: Victims of mortal gunshots have a very high apocalypse mortality rate. Unfit and fat people also have very high mortality rates. To protect them, avoid gyms  where fat people have been found to congregate, working out and shit.

Note: In a virtuous effort to enforce this rule and protect fat people, the governor has gone ahead and shut down gyms where the apocolypse has been unknown to spread.

Rule Number 7: Werewolves are susceptible to silver bullets, but only before they change. If you suspect someone is a werewolf, shoot them with a silver bullet while still in their human form. If they die, obviously they were a werewolf.

Rule Number 8: Cover your face. Ugly people everywhere overwhelmingly voted this one in and frankly, we all need protection from ugly people. 

Rule Number 9: Vampires and hungover people are destroyed by the sun. Just because someone is cautiously avoiding direct sunlight and smells of elderberries, however, is no reason to stab them through the heart with a wooden stake. Won’t make that mistake again.

Rule Number 10: Blah blah I wasn’t paying attention anymore blah blah. This is an apocalypse for fuck’s sake, no one is following the rules anyway!

All right, now that I’ve covered the rules, which you’ll likely ignore anyway, let’s proceed with this apocalypse in all due haste.

* APOCALYPSE UPDATE *

The CDC has just reported that nudes cure the Apocalypse Virus!

Social distancing from wife at the moment (rule 5), so please send nudes.

Don’t tell wife.

Author: Ken Gack

Ken firmly believes that a well constructed rule should be considered a suggestion that, when mixed well with a hefty helping of common sense, makes the world turn smoothly.